Scarlet Cord Ministries

Like just about every one else I have chosen to look back at my year and kind of reflect on all of that happened.

Before reading this post I would like for you to know this year was filled with so much joy. I was able to make friends half way across the world watch God move in astounding ways that would never seem possible and continue to pursue my passion for girls involved in prostitution.

On top of all of this joy I also had pain because you can never really appreciate joy until hurt comes along for the ride.

Two words for 2010: Growing Pains

This year has been full of me having to eat my vegtables before God so that I could be big and strong for the year to come. It didn’t matter how much I gritted my teeth, stuck out my tongue, or closed my mouth with stubborn written on my forehead.

God and the vegetables still stood there waiting for me to pucker up and gulp down the veggies that were for my own good.

Since then I have been growing like a weed.

A couple of weeks ago my dad made a statement to me that summed my life up. He said, “The last couple of years have been full of you maturing in the faith and discovering what God is like.(i am still learning) but this year your emotions are catching up. You are maturing emotionally.”

Extremely awkward comment that now makes tons of sense.

This year has been full of tears, frustration, and working through a bunch of emotional crap with a little bit of joy sprinkled in every once in a while. Crying for me is a big deal. While my mom sat next to me bawling over the movie Marley and me. I stayed strong. I am not really that emotional. It takes a lot for me to cry over something. This year has been drenched with tears of pain and frustration.

As tears streamed down my face my father was there. He heard my soft cry of pain. He saw through the mask of the Christian and continued to overwhelm me with his love. Holding me through the tough nights. Strengthening me with his joy and love in the morning.

This year is the year of growing pains.

In two words what was this year like for you?

I hear voices….

Voices of people persuading me to do this or stick with that.

My question: Who should I listen to?

Voices of people saying oh God is going to do something amazing with you. You will be so great. Oh man and your passion is so intense and great…

My question: What about now?

Whispers of God telling me that it is ok but still keeping me out of the loop. My paranoia rises to a whole new level worrying on whether I should be listening or talking. God reminding me that he is here and sitting quietly.

My question: God where is your voice?

Silence encompasses my life. Leaving me wondering the direction of this ministry opportunity as the dead line quickly approaches. It reminds me of that mouse on the little wheel no matter how hard they run or work the deadline still is there and seems to increase its speed.

God still sits there, allowing me to nod my head to well intentioned people and there conversations saying, “yep that would be a good thing to do.”  God feel free to jump in any time here…. funny how the only person I need to listen to is silent.

I hear a voice that I have heard my entire life  babbling. Yes that is my own voice. I continue to stumble over my words wondering if I can really do this. Confidence slowly dropping and it leaves me with frustration and empty dreams that I now realize may never be fulfilled by me.

End result: Me sitting here typing on a computer still confused on what to do. Each voice very enticing, but remind me of a useless clanging gong. It appears God is mumbling in inaudible whispers while I am straining to hear him like an old person who has lost there hearing aid right whenever someone begins to talk to them. For right now I choose to wait until the whispers of God come in loud and clear.

Do you feel like you lost your hearing aid?

Ps. to all the people I have gotten the opportunity to talk to…

Thank you so much for listening and giving me your wisdom. It is not that you have done anything wrong it is more based on the fact that God is just telling me to wait.

Today a white male decided to rob a bank. He wanted to be a unique robber and only take 1500 dollars from the bank just to make everyone go crazy curious and just be plain crazy.

Why am I telling you this? Good question! It is because of this tall caucasian man that my prinicpal got on our inner com to declare a lock down. He declared a lock down but conveniently forgot to tell us that there is not a crazy person trying to shoot at us in our rooms but just a weird guy robbing a bank on the same street as my school.

The moments that followed were probably the scarriest of my small 16 year old life. We proceeded to pull a fast one on the “intruder” (that we thought was roaming the halls) and lock the door, turn off lights, and hide against a wall.

Now some people chose to stand up to wait for the intruder, but you have to remember that I am a  pretty smart practical person (totally kidding) so I decided to develop my own human shields. I am about a hundred some pounds so I decided to nonchalantly huddle in a corner by 2 students bigger than myself. I was sitting on the ground behind my new best friends who would literally take a bullet for me (unknowingly of course). Here I am not really thinking about me dying but more like I am going to need some serious counseling after I survive this shooting.

Good news is I made it and more good news I don’t need to go to counseling cause everyone lived. But I can’t help but wonder should I have been prepared to use my “advanced” ninja skills to attack the seriously misunderstood shooter or should I live to tell the tragic story of my fellow classmates.

I have no idea. I may have said of course I would wip out my ninja skills and kick butt, but did I really do that when my life was at risk? Nope instead, I chose to use people to save my life.

This then begs the question what if God wanted me to risk my life for all of these people and take out the shooter or attempt to.

This describes me as a whole right now. Here I am cowering in a corner hoping that some one will take a bullet for me and not willing to risk it all. Girls are being sold all around me. They are being devalued and hated by many and what am I going to do about it? Will I kick the guys in the crotch and risk my life for random girls I don’t even know or will I cower behind the computer screen?

So now I get to ask you the same question what would you do in the situation I was in earlier today? and If you were to attack what would you go for?

My personal preference is to aim for the tummy and rip the gun out of their hand.

So the last week or so I have been dragging this series of “costly” grace vs “cheap” grace. Yeah I know it has lasted three weeks but I am just giving you guys plenty of time to think or I might have just been really swamped with life. Also to any aspiring English teachers out there *ahem morgan* excuse the grammar. Moving on..

The last post talked about a lifestyle of someone who has cheap grace. We will now move on to what it takes to have costly grace.

Being vs. Doing

The gap between costly and cheap grace is this, costly grace is being and cheap grace is doing.

In Genesis God calls Adam to come be with him. That is it. He doesn’t call you to sit on your butt and do nothing, but instead he calls you to be. He calls us to love with passion. In fact love so much that it hurts.

We are called to be the light on the hill. Called to be the loser. Called to be the salt of the earth.Called to be love.

Not called to do what a  light does, do what losers do, do what salt does, do some type of love.

For instance, imagine someone describing what an iPod does. They may say it plays music, but it can be a light, a source for games, or even search the web. The point is we can be known to do somethings that Jesus called us to do, but if we are not constantly being consumed by love so where there is no more showing love it is who we are then who are we? We are some people who did a nice thing once.

God calls us to be because it is hard. It is allowing your life to be defined by who God is. In James it says God is love. It never says God showed love or he likes to occasionally do love. NOPE. God is love. God be love. (in cave man terms)

Costly grace has a price of giving up what you do and being transformed into who you be. It costs you your life. We will no longer be known for that kid who made an adorable video about Jonah. We will be known for who we are through God. We be love. This grace requires us to be every day it is not a one night stand where we do do do then decide that is good enough. A one night stand is like Jesus dying on the cross for us but when we go to heaven he doesn’t even talk or have any relationship with us.

Being hurts. There are times where we will wish we could just do and get it over with. Being is a relationship with a perfect God that breaks us of all our one night stand habits and forces us to go deeper. Submerge in the love of God and be.

Will you be or do?

We are starting another new series at Scarlet Cord today! It will be tons of fun. So strap in as I attempt to express what costly grace is.

For this post, I would like for everyone to make some noise (by this I mean tell me your thoughts).  Here is a story that  has really got me thinking and totally reltates to the concept of costly grace and cheap grace. Before you read I would like to remind everyone including myself not to judge this person by what has happened to them. If you choose to comment please focus on the ending questions rather than the actions leading up to this thought.

A freshman in high school is thrown for a loop when he discovers that his girlfriend, also a freshman, was pregnant. His mind was spinning on how to provide as he goes through that week of school. About a week later he discovers there is no longer a baby in his future his child was aborted without his consent.

With a huge amount of emotions and hormones it seems like no one really cares. Life continues. School continues. Teachers continue to lecture and attempt to catch students who are texting in class. He is going through hell and already struggles with depression but no one cares very few people know about what is going on and life continues.

He continues to grieve his lost child and wants so desperately to escape these feelings for good. Then someone talks with him. Telling him that someone cares and will always be loyal to him. He thinks huh I can believe. I have heard of this before, I know that you are supposed to say a quick prayer to accept Jesus as your savior and your home free right? (when people struggle with depression their thoughts are sometimes irrational)

He threatens to pray the prayer to get his name in that book and soon after commit suicide so that he may be with his unborne child. *before you read the next paragraph I am not saying that someone who has become a Christian later in their life is not going to be in heaven*

What is wrong with this picture? Is this allowed in the Christian handbook? Can someone pray this prayer then soon after commit suicide so that they may go live in heaven? Something is missing? Is this a loophole?

He is breaking the rules right?

Today I am reminiscing. Thinking about life and sort of nostalgic of the past (wow two big words in a row my english teacher would be proud) My big bro is moving out in a couple of days and I can’t help but remember the games my siblings and I played when we were younger.

Since we usually talk about serious stuff in this place, I thought it would be nice to have a fun memory filled post.

I am going to tell you some of the games we played that were a little risky but totally worth it.

Here are some sure-fire ways to have some good clean fun….

1. use a small matres to slide down the stairs. Now, for this to be possible you must have a person on look out to watch for any possible parents and you can always slide down with the occasional pet or position your body in different positions such as head first or standing up

2. Make a powerful wrestling video. For this video to be perfect you MUST wear some baggy clothes, talk smack, have an announcer, and of course have two mattresses as your platform along with the occasional pillow/chair.

3. Have an actual wrestling match on your parents water-bed

4. Have a beanie baby fight which includes bartering for beanie babies and making awesome forts out of bed sheets

5. Last but not least  play hockey in your basement with tennis rackets and racket balls. It is a riveting game where the ball is hit at high speeds and most of the time the defender unknowingly sacrifices their body to block the ball.

While playing all of these games you always want two people who are really competitive and a kid in the middle who doesn’t care and can be described as a wimp.

What did you play as a kid?

Awkwardness is definitely something I specialize in. I have learned from the master my ever so loving father. Here is a great example: I once gave a high five to someone who was holding their hands out for a hug. Woops. The sad thing is that I genuinely thought they wanted a high five.

A small worry of mine is having awkward silence. Most of the time the prime time for this silence is in the car. Imagine ridding in a car with someone you really have never talked to and scrounging for some type of conversation. I am a big talker but sometimes I can’t help but have this unsettling silence.

Here is 3 things you can do to cover it up: A turn on the radio. It is perfect there is some type of noise in the background B look out the window and pretend to ponder deep thoughts C there is always the cell phone look, where all you do is pretend to have messages on your phone (I don’t always recommend this cause sometimes it is kind of rude)

The reason I say all of this is  because sometimes I think me and God have really really painful awkward silences. We sit there and do nothing. I can turn on music, look at my phone, or even look out the window but in the end I am still left with an awkward silence.

It makes me wonder would I grow more with God if I didn’t always have these devices to cover up the silence. If it was me and God in a room what would happen? Would we talk or would we sit there in silence. I don’t have any music to listen to so we can connect. Most likely he would zap the cell phone out of my hand. So I am left with just staring at the wall and wondering if he thinks this is awkward too.

David Platt brought this to my attention as I read Radical.What if we use fancy devices to have a fake relationship with God. It is not bad to use music to connec with God or something like that but that can never be the true source of a relationship. Imagine having a friend who will only listen to music with you. They occasionally belt it out which usually is really funny but that is not a deep relationship.

We have this God who is so hard to understand and we can’t even see him. How do we know if we have a true relationship with him. Maybe we are talking to ourselves you never know. So with all of this awkwardness would we truly leave everything behind just to follow this God who we don’t even know for an absolute fact that is real (in other words he can not be proven real it is taken by faith) Do I truly have a relationship with him or is it fake? Would I be able to hear and obey him if he asked me to neglect my family? I have no idea. I can say that why yes yes I would but until I am faced with this ultimate decision I will never know.

I ask  God to save me from my comforts and break me of my need of the familiar. What if I prayed this and it actually happened. That is a lot of awkward silence isn’t it. Never really knowing how far God will push me but completely surrendering.

I am ready to embrace the awkward silence in order to grow closer to my father, husband, and shepherd.

Tell me about your awkward moment.

I believe that God has called me to radically love girls who have been in the sex trafficking industry. Little did I know, God not only wants me to love these girls  but he also wants me to love his imperfect church.

Before we continue I would like to say that I do not see myself as better than anyone else. I am apart of the church that sins on a daily basis. I am sinful and hurting just like everyone else.

I love the book of Hosea

What I love about the book of Hosea is that it talks about radically loving a prostitute.

Here is a little background info. God tells Hosea to go marry Gomar (prostitute). After a couple of years Hosea realizes that she is cheating on him because she keeps on getting pregnant. This is supposed to represent the relationship between Israel and God.When Gomar gives birth to the kids, Hosea is instructed by God to name the kids unloved, not my son, and punishment. ( These aren’t actually the literal names but the names meaning are somewhere along these lines.)

This relationship would suck. Here is a guy who is trying to love his broken wife and she keeps on rejecting this radical love for some fake money love.

I believe the church is Gomar. We are the prostitute who ends up marrying Christ right?

Then we go off and have kids/problems/hurting others and God ends up disowning our actions because they are not full of love. At some point in our lives I believe we all do this. We may all ignorantly or purposefully hurt someone and falsely represent God.

I believe this problem I have had with the church is like one of these kids. I felt disowned, punished, and unloved. I did not understand what was going on and how I can deal with this hurt. Similar to Hosea I felt betrayed. What did I do wrong?

At the end of Hosea, Hosea no longer refers to these children as unloved, disowned, or punished. He calls them loved and valued. The problem was still there and apart of his past but he no longer saw these children in this way.

Through God’s radical love, he is transforming these feelings to be  known as loved and valued. God is molding my heart to love this prostitute of a church because by loving them I love myself.

To God I ask him to continue to make me new by taking these feelings and thoughts and transforming them. Asking God to open my eyes to see the church as he would or in this case as Hosea eventually saw his kids. And know that sometimes the church will cheat on me, but in the end, we still have to love and forgive. God has called me to love the church and strive to see him in all of these broken people.

Will you love a prostitute?

Before we start I would like to talk about the word hate. I can completely understand that hate is such a strong word and that it is heavily misused throughout our every day language. I refer to the word hate because over time I have allowed a certain bitterness to grow and thrive off criticism of the church. I believe that in the end this bitterness grew into a hate that is blinding me to see the amazing things  that are happening in the church.

Also when I refer to the church, I refer to my church. I have not been exposed to many churches at a steady rate. Basically, I have visited churches but have only went to one church on a regular basis. So this idea of church is solely based on what I have seen at one church. This is why I believe I use such a strong word because of the fact that what I view as church is the one that I have regularly attended. This does not give me the right to say all churches are dumb or the church is dumb because I have not visited every church. However, when I think of church I have feelings of bitterness, hurt, and rejection. I don’t want to distract anyone with this word because I am not here to hate the church I am here to learn how to love the church.

Hewww. Now that this is out of the way let’s get down to business.

I have realized that over the past couple of years there has been a strong bitterness that I neglected or ignorantly pushed out of the way.

Here is a quick definition of bitterness: characterized by intense antagonism or hostility.

It seems like this definition suites my feelings well. Bitterness never really just appeared out of nowhere, it started about four years ago. Since then I have slowly had a deteriorated relationship with the bride of Christ. Slowly, I became more and more cynical of the church allowing it to eat me alive. No matter what they did it would always never be good enough.

All I can say is that I have truly not forgiven the church. Our relationship is clearly on the rocks. It is similar to a nagging wife who always is picking  everything her husband does apart. How is that helpful?

On the other hand God and I are great. I really thought our relationship was going great. Then I talked with one of my friends about my feelings regarding the church and she said maybe these feelings are holding your relationship with God back. She pointed out that this bitterness might be putting limitations on my relationship with God.

This reminds me of when Paul talks about throwing off all things that hinder you to get to the finish line or to grow more in God.

After realizing this bitterness with the church I thought in order to truly love I have to let it go.

More thoughts on that later.

I would like to begin a series called I hate the church. This series will last for this week and possible next week(it all depends on how well I do at posting a blog post on a regular basis).We will have to see how long it last. Before we dive into this series that happens to be about forgiveness I feel like it is important that I give everyone a little background on me and the church’s history. No details just the basics. By the way I am in no way trying to play the victim roll by telling you this. I simply want to inform you on the history of me and the church.

This series will consist of how I am trying to forgive the church and how you can join me in that journey as well. I am not looking  for an apology I am simply trying to move on and forgive.

My dad worked as a counselor at our church a little while back. He was very well known throughout the congregation. However, he soon chose to leave on some not so great terms. So to put it all in a nutshell eventually my whole family left the church that I had known for all my life and decided to look for a new one.

This sucked.

Anyways, about a year later we were soon back at this same church this time on good terms. I was about 13 and was so excited to be back with my friends. I no longer cared what had happened in the past but just wanted to journey back to the old times.

Apparently, that is really not how life works. Life and people both change and move on most of the time they will never be the exact same from when you left.

I was quick to forgive the church not really knowing all of the details of why we left in the first place and not really caring.

Now with that being said I am now thinking that I do care. I care that the church truly hurt my family and did not even bother to apologize but simply kicked us to the curb. I am not saying that everyone at this church did that some of them really reached out to me. However, when the majority of people are hurting you, you will think that it is everyone.

So this is my past that I have to deal with right now and we will talk about those feelings in the next  post. This post is to simply fill you in on the background info and set us up for the series.

So if you would like. You can tell me how you have been  in a place where the church has hurt you.